How’s it going?

Raw honesty is rare in the adoptive community, and when I find it, I just want to share. In her post “After the Airport,” blogger Jen Hatmaker says:

“…if you ask me if these are the happiest days of my life (which a ton of you have), and my eyes kind of glaze over and I say through a tight-lipped smile like a robot, “Yes. Sure. Of course. This is my dream life”…I am lying. I am lying so you won’t feel uncomfortable when I tell you, “Actually, I haven’t had a shower in three days, I lost my temper with my uncontrollable daughter this morning and had to walk outside, I’m constantly cleaning up pee because uncircumcised tee-tee goes sideways onto walls, and sometimes when my two littles are asleep and we’re downstairs with the original three kids who are so stable and healthy and easy, it creates a nostalgia so intense, I think I might perish. But enough about me. How are you?”

But that would be weird. So I say, “Yes. I am so happy.”

We are “after the airport” 4 1/2 years with Masha (adopted at 12, now 17) and almost 2 years for Lena (adopted at 14, turning 16 soon).  I can’t count the number of times people have asked “How’s it going?” and I’ve smiled and said “They are so great,” when I wanted to just curl up in a ball and bawl…for the girls and for myself.

Crying for them because they are the two most courageous young women I know, but it’s been such a tough road for them, ripped from the only life they knew…trying to fit into a world that was literally foreign to them…with a language that doesn’t even use the same letters…into a family that comes with a full set of baggage, already packed.

Crying for us, trying to shepherd them as their wounds heal into scars that will fade, but never be completely gone…learning to balance between limits and freedom…differentiating between trauma responses and normal teenage reactions…making mistakes that hurt them in ways we never imagined.

We knew what we were getting into.  We read books; we scoured the Internet; we prepared ourselves.  More importantly, God prepared us.  But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.  It doesn’t mean it will get easier.  But nothing easy is worth much anyway, is it?

I see too many families who expect the rainbows and unicorns–who can’t recognize and address the brokenness in both the kids and in themselves.  Too many agencies who fail to prepare them; too many parents unable to understand the reality of how trauma works on the human psyche.

Adoption of older kids can be one of the most rewarding things in life, but it’s never easy.

So when you say “How’s it going?” don’t be surprised if it sometimes takes me a few seconds to answer.  Just sayin’.